1. Find a dimly lit bar with a big window to watch the snow. Bonus points for having a sweet jukebox.

The Royal Tavern has both of the above. Dimly lit but has a big window so you get a feel for the snow without actually feeling the snow. I still hate being out in the snow, but I definitely like it better when I’m sitting in a bar.

2. The bar must offer some kind of warm drink involving whiskey or rum.This is also a warming mechanism. I have found that having a small amount of whiskey flowing through my veins this winter has made me a warmer person. Oh and drunker. Funny how that works.

In this instance The Royal offers a hot cider with rum. Oh and a cinnamon stick which some of my friends may or may not have taken home with them to reuse. Weirdos.

3. Indulge in some kind of comfort food. Preferably a childhood classic and a large serving of french fries. Winter = carb overload. Don’t worry, you will walk it off when you realize that Septa has shut down and you must walk most of the way home.

Vegan Sloppy Joe at The Royal. Look I can eat vegan, I swear! It was good but not great. I think I like my Sloppy Joe a little more on the sweet side. This was more on the spicy side. I still ate the whole thing. CARBS! Their fries are excellent.

4. On the second day of daytime drinking, keep it close to home. You will be exhausted from your previous snow day. Drinking indoors can be exhausting work.

Many of my wonderful South Philly and West Philly compatriots met me at my favorite bar in the city, Johnny Brenda’s. Yes it’s my favorite. You can quote me on that.

They were offering an emergency brunch. I really appreciated this because I was craving something breakfasty.

5. Move to the more brunchy cocktails. You need to slowly sip on these so take it easy. You will be marathon brunching. So have a few cups of coffee and enjoy a mimosa or Bloody Mary. Also hydrate with some water. Basically you will have like 20 beverages in front of you. This is ok.

6. Eat only dishes containing pork and potatoes. Protein for energy and carbs to absorb the booze. Right? Ok, it’s just a good combo. Also alliteration.

Do you see how much pork they have on this menu? Love. You can also get 3 different kinds of potatoes. FRENCH FRIED POTATOES, SMASHED POTATOES, AND GRATIN POTATOES.

One friend followed my strict rules and ordered the Cubano. This is a must try at JB’s. Hot pressed sandwich with pork and cheese. Fries = potatoes, in case you forgot.

Unfortunately, not all of my friends could heed my advice. Vegetarian friend got the french toast. Very good and if you prefer a sweet breakfast this will do it for you.

This is the perfect kind of breakfast for me, ham and cheesy grits. I have mentioned my love for JB’s grits. And again I will beg them to BRING BACK YOUR SHRIMP AND GRITS. COME ON!

Crispy ham, creamy grits and yolky egg.

7. Make sure you do all of the above with awesome friends who will travel miles in the snow for you and brunch for 3 hours.

This is what you get when you play around with my camera while I have stepped away. Ok clearly this logic is false because none of them were holding the camera but still they were accomplices.  Seriously though, thanks dudes for making my snow days so epic.

ok so that really made us laugh.

then we took a gander at the inside of the menu showcasing standard takeout fare.  an array of pizzas, including bbq chicken, steaks, wraps, salads, sides.   but then we spied the back of the menu, and the hijinks continued.

when they say “home of the fatty” they don’t mean just pizza.  there are nine fatty sandwiches on the menu, some of which sound like the craziest (read: unappetizing) pairings ever.  these fatties appear to be in the spirit of a primanti bros. sandwich, your entire meal stuffed between two slices of bread, but go way beyond what i want to eat even in one sitting.  let’s take the ‘fat jamie’ for example.  (thank god the parents spelled my name j-a-i-m-e).

“chicken or beef with mozzarella, meatballs, mozzarella sticks, tater tots, and marinara sauce.”

now i love chicken, beef, mozzarella, mozzi sticks, tots, and sauce.  some of those things i even like together – chicken & mozzarella, meatballs & sauce – you get the drift.  what you have here is like the pussycat dolls of sandwiches – everything on its own sounds nice, but put it all together and it’s like one big, trying-too-hard mess.

the ‘fat lala’ makes me cringe a little but the ‘morton’s fatty’ makes me actually feel sick, if only for the mayo.

pizzi pizza also has a website, on which they boast of the ‘fatty challenge’.  for $15 you get three fatties of your choice (aw, just three?)  if you manage to clear your plate in 20 minutes you win…what else, 2 large cheese pizzas, a home of the fatty t-shirt, and your name on their website.  because after eating three fatties who doesn’t want some nice hot pizza to wash it down with?  make sure to order that t-shirt a size up.

has anyone tried this place?  i’m curious.

I’m getting the lamb sausage on my way home tonight. I did not get home in time to get one. Instead I enjoyed one of these.

I did already try the Arista, which you can read about here.